“Oh, no! It’s May,” the woman muttered as she stared at her calendar. “That means Mother’s Day is coming,” she sighed. “It’s the worst day of the year for me.”
Her daughter was tragically killed in an auto accident many years prior. Although she has a son, Mother’s Day still triggers the sad reality that her daughter is gone.
For many women this day specifically designed for feminine joy, often triggers grief, anger and tears instead. Here are a few reasons why:
Mothers Day is usually painful for the woman who deeply desires to have a child but cannot. My friend, Cathie explains, “During our journey through infertility I wanted to escape on Mother’s Day. But then I quickly realized it was another mountain of grief for me to hike.”
“However, nothing prepared me for the wave of sorrow that struck as I entered the Hallmark store to buy cards for my family,” she continued. “The first tear welled up as I approached the Mother’s Day section. I quickly turned and walked away asking myself, ‘Can I put on a mask and muddle through the minimum requirements? Is this holiday forever destined to be a reminder of my defective body and our loss?’”
Stepmoms often avoid church all together on Mother’s Day. Carla shares, “The most torturous moment comes when the pastor asks all moms to stand so they can receive a round of applause, beaming smiles from their kids, and a flower from the usher. I sit there awkwardly wondering what I’m supposed to do,” She continued. “I’ve never given birth, but I fill the same role that a mom does with my husband’s kids. I do their laundry, make dinner, drive the carpool, and help with homework. A stepmom has all the work and financial burden of being a mom, but none of the perks or recognition. My husband wants me to stand up and join them–but I’m uncomfortable. My stepchildren have a mom. I’m not her.”
All it would take for this woman, and thousands like her, to enjoy Mother’s Day is for the pastor to say, “We know many women fill a mother-like role in a child’s life. Stepmoms, foster moms, adopting moms, aunts, etc. join us in the celebration.”
Childless By Choice
A handful of women in our society are, “childless by choice.” The lack of children isn’t normally what triggers their pain on Mother’s Day; it’s the comments from those who don’t understand.
“I grew up in a very abusive, neglectful home. By the time I was thirteen I knew I never wanted to have children,” Janelle explained. “I didn’t want to bring another person into this hurting world. I couldn’t take that risk. Most women assume I don’t have kids because I’m self-centered or that I wanted a lofty career, but that’s totally untrue.” She proceeded, “It’s not that I didn’t want children, I actually think I would have been a great mom. People typically don’t understand my perspective, so I rarely share. My choice was putting aside what I wanted, for what I felt was best.”
Lest we forget, there are literally thousands of women who have had an abortion. For those who now regret that decision, Mother’s Day can be excruciating. It’s a prime time for the enemy of our soul to stir up guilt, shame, loneliness, humiliation and self loathing. Our job is to point these women to the forgiveness and freedom that comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. His perfect sacrifice offers compassion, healing, redemption and grace.
Recently I met a woman who no longer has custody of her kids during to a divorce. She is devastated and overcome with guilt and shame. Her former husband remarried and now lives in a beautiful, lavish home. This mom lives in a small, cheap apartment. She knows her kids prefer to be at Dad’s house, which is filled with toys and TVs. To this broken woman, Mother’s Day isn’t something to celebrate; it’s a megaphone that screams, “Failure.”
Whether it’s the death of a mother or child, (or another person) Mother’s Day can be torture for the women who is no longer able to stroke her loved one’s cheek. Even for those who anticipate a heavenly reunion—in the moment—death saps our joy and renders us into rubble.
After adopting a precious daughter, Cathie now shares, “I do not know if I will ever be completely joyous on Mother’s Day. For I know there are mothers who are grieving, including my child’s birth mom. Before assuming it is a good day, I look into the eyes of the women around me, especially at church.”
When you factor in women who have a wayward child and a whole host of other issues it’s easy to understand why Mother’s Day can be painful. This year why not take a moment and ask God to bring someone to mind who needs a special touch, card, gift, flower, or word of encouragement. You will never know how one act of kindness can change the day or the life of a wounded woman.
Copyright © 2016 Laura Petherbridge. All rights reserved
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, singles, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom, co-authored with Ron Deal, and 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom: Expert Advice From One Stepmom to Another. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com